want!

They said,

What could she want?

fame, fortune, money and talent,

she had it all.

What could she want?

What could she possibly want?

He asked her,

what could she want?

what more could she want?

more than his proud declarations and garguntan promises!

demands demands and more demands!

he fumed,

What could she possibly want!

she asked herself,

what could she want?

although she told herself she had it all,

all that she could possibly want.

it was a lie 

and she knew that.

what she really wanted,

was the implicit understanding,

of the purpose of a pearly tear,

that grew in her eye.

she wanted to see in all their eyes,

the unbriddled and childish love,

that she was sure, poured out of her own.

all she wanted was,

the stuff of legend,

the candyfloss building blocks,

of her candyland fantasy.

the soulmate effect,

the unspoken understanding.

all she wanted was his passion,

his dedication and his life...

thats all she wanted,

a slice of heaven in a mortal world.

perhaps a pouch of stardust, 

while shooting across the galaxy.

perhaps wanting a little too much than allowed!

all she wanted was a dream come true,

a fantasy,

an impossibility.

Just can't get enough!

Sex, drugs and alcohol,

Nay, you are stronger.

More potent, more powerful,

scarier even.

Poison, slow acting poison,

innocous looking, but quietly creeping through my veins.

The rush of exhilaration,

of finding and discovery,
the quiet ecstasy of interlinked fingers,
of kisses in the rain.

But its all just an illusion, isn't it,

for poison, however sweet, still kills mercilessly,

My heart, shattered,

wounds laid open for everyone to see,
holes in my being, now vulnerable,
jeers and mockery from crowd!

If I'm an open book,

then you scribble over my pages,
scratch, tear, inkblot!

Write meaningless rhymes of love and life,

and then,
tear out each page bit by bit,
and shred them into a million pieces.

And, I?

I search for new empty pages,
scour my mind for a new canvas,
just for you,
open myself up,

just for you,

cos I just cant get enough!

Birth death rebirth,

and dying again,
ecstasy and then pain,
more pain, each and every time!
cos, I just cant get enough!

firefly!

So, he came over.
Very late, unexpected.
Without a sound, but I knew he was there.
Before he had time,
I flitted downstairs.
He asked me to walk with him.
The little path, wound up the hill.
with the little toy houses on either side.
We walked,
and we walked.
It was nigh dawn.
The sky a perplexed blue,
a silent chill in the air.
We stepped off the main road,
out of reality and rare flashing cars,
and entered a silent lane.
A few steps ahead,
a world left behind,
We walked side by side up the winding road,
in the arms of the trees.
A burbling brook beside me,
hillocks to his side.
We walked,
arms entwined.
A slight gust of winds,
like a lady whispering,
and the fireflies came out,
flickering!
There was a pregnant pause!
He turned to look at me.
in the pale half light;
he looked almost ethereal,
ephemeral yet perpetual.
His long fingers, rose
touched my cheek,
leaving a glow.
The sounds of our shallow breaths
resonating in perfect tune,
under the butter moon,
on a july night.
The magical moment went on and on.
minutes, hours, days years.
The magic of the moment lingered,
until the dewdrops fell,
and the light began to swell.
He walked me back to my door,
a fleeting kiss,
and he turned away.
I watched till he was gone,
just as suddenly as he came,
like the flicker of a firefly's light,
and I wondered if I would see him again....


Inspired by my walk in the woods tonight! I actually came across a winding path, with a babbling brook running next to it! Pictures will be up soon :)

Homage!

This is a homage to a great kid, who is not with us anymore. My niece Shruthi passed away last Thursday after battling Ewing's sarcoma for 7 years. Although I did not spend much time with her, I feel her gone now....
When Shruthi was born, I was like ten or something. It was so exciting to have a new baby in the family. And what a baby she was! Rolly-polly with a round face, pink cherry lips and intelligent, giant, curious eyes, she was a poster child for the typical healthy baby. Those are the fondest and sadly, only memories I have of that child. How she used to run awkwardly in her pamper! How she used to follow my sister every where and idolize her, right from copying her mannerisms to eating the same thing she did! Shruthi was the youngest member of our family, when we all stayed in proximity to each other in Dubai.
After that I left. We relocated to Kuwait and gradually from weekend hangout pals, Shruthi and her parents became distant relatives. Then sometime near her fourth birthday, we discovered that the child had cancer. It was unbelievable. Something that grave had happened to a person I was close to for the first time. I heard stories from my parents: of her collapsing during a running race, of her being admitted in the hospital, of her undergoing chemotherapy. I finally visited her in 2005. she was a five year old with no hair or eyebrows. but she had the vitality of any other child I knew. Smart and playful, she mixed with my sister and me as if she had known us all her life, which was off course wonderful because the last time she saw us, she was a tiny baby. That one day... one afternoon we were with her, will live in my memories for years. I dont remember what board games we played, or what jokes we laughed about. All I remember was how much fun she was and how lively and excited she was. My memories and the couple of photos of her we took during that trip is I have left.
My parents went to Dubai last weekend to attend her funeral. I didn't go because of visa issues. But I wonder whether fate did not want me to go! Maybe I did not deserve to say my last goodbyes to her, because I didn't keep in touch when she was alive and well. She recovered from the cancer twice! But she couldn't fight off the third remission. Maybe this is my punishment, our punishment....this feeling of remorse for not doing any more than what we did. I dont want to say something cliched and careless like, "If I could just turn back the clock, I would do things differently and talk to her everyday!" Her memory doesn't deserve to be lied to! All I can wish for is that she finds peace wherever she is, pithy as though it may sound.
My mother wept the day she got back from Dubai. She said she couldn't cry in front of Shruthi's parents so she had to wait to let it all out. I wonder how Shruthi's parents are doing right now. To watch your child struggle in pain all through its life and then finally leave, is a fate that no parent deserves. Shruthi's mom sometimes went off into a trance while others where talking and would snap back to reality saying something so ordinary yet so emotionally profound like, "Shruthi always wanted a pet, she loved dogs" or "Shruthi loved peanuts". There is a whole in her heart! There is a whole in Shruthi's father's heart too! A hole that cannot be completely filled, no matter how much time passes, or how much love they receive from others! I cannot even bear to imagine how that women managed to get through all these years just watching her poor child suffer and keep praying for a miracle! At times like this, I feel like its an insult to them if my sister or I cry for the child. After all we didn't do anything for her, who are we to deserve the solace of tears! This is the truth, no matter how badly I wish it wasn't.
Thousands of people have experienced death in their lives. A loss of a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle,  brother, sisters, cousins, boyfriends, girlfriends... I think I have heard stories from all these categories. After all, every person is something to someone, so loss is a universal experience that mankind shares; unwillingly but necessarily. A lot of these people and others have given the world advice on how to deal with death, how to miss the person lovingly and learn to let go. But when someone finally faces this situation, nothing anyone says makes sense unless they heal enough to accept it. The pain will persist, no matter what angle you look at it! If a person says, "They left because God wanted them in a better place", one may immediately say, "I could have made this place perfect for them." If people try to offer comfort saying, "Death is a relief from the pain" (like in the case of my Shruthi) then one can say, "Why did they have to suffer from the pain in the first place?". There is no answer or no words that makes sense to someone coping with loss. The process of healing is gradual and has to happen on its own.
however, if there is one thing death can give us, it is inspiration. Shruthi had just turned ten, but she had already learnt art, music, horse back riding, swimming and what not! She went to school, she participated in music and dance and sports. She even danced at the Indian Embassy in Dubai. She achieved so much in those ten short years! Most of us are 21 and above, and all we can boast about is how we topped the class in 9th grade or how someone took ten shots in a row! Shruthi was lucid and conscious up to two or three days before her death and her father says she was still smiling and good tempered, even though she knew that this time there was no escape. It takes balls to accept death. Indeed, it is ultimately the only thing that humanity universally fears. Yet this remarkable ten year old child accepted it bravely and went peacefully. It is awe-inspiring so say they least, when we regularly freak out about the next test in college, believing that "our life is over!"
I think death puts a lot of things in perspective. For one thing it has reminded me to be close to the people I love or have loved or been close to in my life. I know such epiphanies and resolutions come to me only in moments like these, and the they all vanish once I wake up to the real world again, with its mindless drudgery and routine thoughtless existence. But its a start! I sorely wish I was the "big sister" who was there for Shruthi, not the kid staring out of a couple of photos she might have kept. I cant do anything now but I hope I change in the future and not get sucked into my own problems all the time. I also learn from her that in order to live something that can be called a full life, one needs courage: Courage to go ahead and try different things, courage to live a little, courage to experiment and learn about the delightful intricacies of life, death and relationships. In short, one needs to learn how to be brave enough to face life with a positive attitude, even if you know that bad times may be coming. Don't let the fear of failure or loss, prevent you from fighting. That's what a ten year old child,who despite having lived most of her life in a hospital, and paralyzed for more than a year, went on to learn and do things I have never done, even though I am whole and healthy, has taught me! Shruthi will live on in my heart as my inspiration. I just hope that, if there is a God out there, then he is looking after that wonderful kid and she will now be at peace and happy and never suffer again.  

And water drips through the crags!

When we talk about modern miracles, we talk about radiotherapy for cancer, hybrid cars, vaccines, airplanes etc etc But one does not think about how awesome Google is. And one also never mentions Facebook, cos God, that sounds shallow. But Facebook is a modern miracle. Actually, its the proverbial double edged sword! 

Sometimes, I make the mistake of thinking aloud on Facebook! Maybe, its a subconscious cry for attention! The thing is, everyone hears this cry on their news feed. The bad part is, its embarrassing and makes me look like an attention whore (for lack of a better word). The good part, though, is that I realize how many people out there actually look out for me! They care enough to see if i'm OK! And for that I am thankful.

Thanks Facebook, for letting me know that the most unexpected people can put a smile on your face. Thanks, for also letting me know that these same unexpected people always have my back. Treasures are almost always found in places that are never searched! Thanks to all my friends, who have been there for me even when I have been the most annoying, most selfish and most thankless creature. I'm a lot to handle (i'm not proud of it) and it takes patience (and tolerance) to bear with me. I just want you guys to know that I am here for you also! Whenever you need me, I always be there! Cos at the end of the day, love and friendship is what makes the world go round! And friends we shall be forever!

My bag of blessings

Arguments are never pleasant but they make you think. Today I had an argument about love and acceptance. I came to realize a few things: a. Count your blessings! b. Regardless of how they think and how they behave, a loved one is always special. c. People are what they are because of how they think. So all you can do is show them how you feel; whether they can change or not depends only on how what you say affects how they think.

There are people in this world who feel unloved and worthless, despite the fact that there are so many people who love them. The point is that they don't get the love/admiration/respect from the person or people they aim to please, so they stay blind to the rest, who love them unconditionally. Thats the first blessing one should count: To love and be loved unconditionally, regardless of the flaws, regardless of the mistakes made because unconditional love takes immense strength and even more courage. So, to those people who think "nobody loves me" or "nobody acknowledges/cares/respects me", take another look around and see the faces of people in your life who will give up their life for you. It could be parents who untiringly and patiently strive for the well being of their child, putting up with temper tantrums, mood swings and all the crap that the kid throws at their face. It could be a sibling who stands back and watches their brother or sister each day, sincerely hoping for their well being without interfering so that they can make a life of their own. It could be that girlfriend who spends her time thinking of ways to surprise her boyfriend or ways to comfort him when he's sad... or vice versa. It could be that friend who always has your back, even if he or she is sitting half way across the world. The point is, love is a complex emotion with a lot of pressure attached to it. Therefore, to receive the pure love of another human is something every person needs to be thankful for.

To talk about love is to talk about happiness, sorrow, joy and anger because love is nothing but a stew of unbalanced, over emphasized emotions. Anger is a major and powerful part of love because anger alone has the power to break everything that love builds up over time. But, anger is also short lived and hence needs to be forgiven. People say a lot of things in anger. Most of it they dont mean, but most of it they subconsciously feel deep down. Whether its jealousy, insecurity, arrogance or whatever that makes someone feel what they feel, it always comes out as anger. And it almost always comes out on people they never want to intentionally hurt. This is always followed by regret. So, here's where forgiveness comes into the picture. If anger is married to love, then forgiveness is married to anger. Words said in fury deserve forgiveness. Spite, however, is a different story (about which I dont want to talk about now). Anyway, the capacity to forgive is a sign of capacity to love and hence is a blessing. Forgiveness, both given and received is a blessing one should count. Anger is stupid and unintentional but forgiveness is beautiful and kind and it soothes that anger. On this note, I want to say sorry to anyone I have hurt by my anger and also forgive those who have hurt me because I want to count my blessings today. I am so lucky to be surrounded by so much love, enough to experience anger!

Life is a like a pack of Bertie Botts all flavor beans. Try as you may to plan out everything, you may still get an earwax flavored bean. The only thing you can do is hope the next one is strawberry cheesecake. Count your blessings! Each and everyday! Every time you feel like quitting, every time you hate your life, every time you feel alone and unloved, every time you feel like everything is going against you or you have nothing to look forward to, every time you feel unrewarded or taken for granted, try to count your blessings and look around at the things you have- health, family, love, friends, life, art, music... Its hard to stay positive, especially when the odds are against you, but just because the lights go out doesn't mean that things stop existing. Love yourself and love the people who love you and draw strength out of that love. Every time you feel like your going to lose or fall down, open your bag of blessing and grab the first thing there: Could be a phone call to your mom or a photo of your first love. Just remember that there is always something in that bag of blessings for everyone! You just got to reach for it and keep moving!

the meaning of loss.

I'm bad with loss. Maybe because I haven't experienced that crushing sense of hopelessness firsthand yet, but yes, I am bad with loss.
When a fellow human being departs, you can feel that sadness. Whether you have met that person before or just heard of them, it still pinches the soul. But when that person is a loved one, then the grief is unbearable. I can only try to imagine what this would feel like.
Loss comes with a lot of questions: Why them, Why now, How can He let this happen? And most often the grievers are left with no answers, just memories.
I wish bad things wouldn't happen to good people. And I wish everyone would find the answers they are looking for. If nothing then I hope they at least find the solace to believe in God and in hope. And I hope that God gives them the strength they need. No amount of inspirational videos or songs, no amount books and quotes may actually quell the grief in the heart of one who has lost. Loss is something you just have to feel to understand and you have to go through to triumph over.
My condolences to those who have lost a loved one. That person can never be replaced but will always live on in your heart.
I cant say anything more without sounding fake. Maybe silence is the solace. For those who need to cry, they should cry and for those who just need to get away from it all, they should. After all, what can one do?
To the ones who are gone, you will be loved forever and for always. Please bless and guide all those who love and give you a home in their hearts. You will never be forgotten.