Homage!

This is a homage to a great kid, who is not with us anymore. My niece Shruthi passed away last Thursday after battling Ewing's sarcoma for 7 years. Although I did not spend much time with her, I feel her gone now....
When Shruthi was born, I was like ten or something. It was so exciting to have a new baby in the family. And what a baby she was! Rolly-polly with a round face, pink cherry lips and intelligent, giant, curious eyes, she was a poster child for the typical healthy baby. Those are the fondest and sadly, only memories I have of that child. How she used to run awkwardly in her pamper! How she used to follow my sister every where and idolize her, right from copying her mannerisms to eating the same thing she did! Shruthi was the youngest member of our family, when we all stayed in proximity to each other in Dubai.
After that I left. We relocated to Kuwait and gradually from weekend hangout pals, Shruthi and her parents became distant relatives. Then sometime near her fourth birthday, we discovered that the child had cancer. It was unbelievable. Something that grave had happened to a person I was close to for the first time. I heard stories from my parents: of her collapsing during a running race, of her being admitted in the hospital, of her undergoing chemotherapy. I finally visited her in 2005. she was a five year old with no hair or eyebrows. but she had the vitality of any other child I knew. Smart and playful, she mixed with my sister and me as if she had known us all her life, which was off course wonderful because the last time she saw us, she was a tiny baby. That one day... one afternoon we were with her, will live in my memories for years. I dont remember what board games we played, or what jokes we laughed about. All I remember was how much fun she was and how lively and excited she was. My memories and the couple of photos of her we took during that trip is I have left.
My parents went to Dubai last weekend to attend her funeral. I didn't go because of visa issues. But I wonder whether fate did not want me to go! Maybe I did not deserve to say my last goodbyes to her, because I didn't keep in touch when she was alive and well. She recovered from the cancer twice! But she couldn't fight off the third remission. Maybe this is my punishment, our punishment....this feeling of remorse for not doing any more than what we did. I dont want to say something cliched and careless like, "If I could just turn back the clock, I would do things differently and talk to her everyday!" Her memory doesn't deserve to be lied to! All I can wish for is that she finds peace wherever she is, pithy as though it may sound.
My mother wept the day she got back from Dubai. She said she couldn't cry in front of Shruthi's parents so she had to wait to let it all out. I wonder how Shruthi's parents are doing right now. To watch your child struggle in pain all through its life and then finally leave, is a fate that no parent deserves. Shruthi's mom sometimes went off into a trance while others where talking and would snap back to reality saying something so ordinary yet so emotionally profound like, "Shruthi always wanted a pet, she loved dogs" or "Shruthi loved peanuts". There is a whole in her heart! There is a whole in Shruthi's father's heart too! A hole that cannot be completely filled, no matter how much time passes, or how much love they receive from others! I cannot even bear to imagine how that women managed to get through all these years just watching her poor child suffer and keep praying for a miracle! At times like this, I feel like its an insult to them if my sister or I cry for the child. After all we didn't do anything for her, who are we to deserve the solace of tears! This is the truth, no matter how badly I wish it wasn't.
Thousands of people have experienced death in their lives. A loss of a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle,  brother, sisters, cousins, boyfriends, girlfriends... I think I have heard stories from all these categories. After all, every person is something to someone, so loss is a universal experience that mankind shares; unwillingly but necessarily. A lot of these people and others have given the world advice on how to deal with death, how to miss the person lovingly and learn to let go. But when someone finally faces this situation, nothing anyone says makes sense unless they heal enough to accept it. The pain will persist, no matter what angle you look at it! If a person says, "They left because God wanted them in a better place", one may immediately say, "I could have made this place perfect for them." If people try to offer comfort saying, "Death is a relief from the pain" (like in the case of my Shruthi) then one can say, "Why did they have to suffer from the pain in the first place?". There is no answer or no words that makes sense to someone coping with loss. The process of healing is gradual and has to happen on its own.
however, if there is one thing death can give us, it is inspiration. Shruthi had just turned ten, but she had already learnt art, music, horse back riding, swimming and what not! She went to school, she participated in music and dance and sports. She even danced at the Indian Embassy in Dubai. She achieved so much in those ten short years! Most of us are 21 and above, and all we can boast about is how we topped the class in 9th grade or how someone took ten shots in a row! Shruthi was lucid and conscious up to two or three days before her death and her father says she was still smiling and good tempered, even though she knew that this time there was no escape. It takes balls to accept death. Indeed, it is ultimately the only thing that humanity universally fears. Yet this remarkable ten year old child accepted it bravely and went peacefully. It is awe-inspiring so say they least, when we regularly freak out about the next test in college, believing that "our life is over!"
I think death puts a lot of things in perspective. For one thing it has reminded me to be close to the people I love or have loved or been close to in my life. I know such epiphanies and resolutions come to me only in moments like these, and the they all vanish once I wake up to the real world again, with its mindless drudgery and routine thoughtless existence. But its a start! I sorely wish I was the "big sister" who was there for Shruthi, not the kid staring out of a couple of photos she might have kept. I cant do anything now but I hope I change in the future and not get sucked into my own problems all the time. I also learn from her that in order to live something that can be called a full life, one needs courage: Courage to go ahead and try different things, courage to live a little, courage to experiment and learn about the delightful intricacies of life, death and relationships. In short, one needs to learn how to be brave enough to face life with a positive attitude, even if you know that bad times may be coming. Don't let the fear of failure or loss, prevent you from fighting. That's what a ten year old child,who despite having lived most of her life in a hospital, and paralyzed for more than a year, went on to learn and do things I have never done, even though I am whole and healthy, has taught me! Shruthi will live on in my heart as my inspiration. I just hope that, if there is a God out there, then he is looking after that wonderful kid and she will now be at peace and happy and never suffer again.  

And water drips through the crags!

When we talk about modern miracles, we talk about radiotherapy for cancer, hybrid cars, vaccines, airplanes etc etc But one does not think about how awesome Google is. And one also never mentions Facebook, cos God, that sounds shallow. But Facebook is a modern miracle. Actually, its the proverbial double edged sword! 

Sometimes, I make the mistake of thinking aloud on Facebook! Maybe, its a subconscious cry for attention! The thing is, everyone hears this cry on their news feed. The bad part is, its embarrassing and makes me look like an attention whore (for lack of a better word). The good part, though, is that I realize how many people out there actually look out for me! They care enough to see if i'm OK! And for that I am thankful.

Thanks Facebook, for letting me know that the most unexpected people can put a smile on your face. Thanks, for also letting me know that these same unexpected people always have my back. Treasures are almost always found in places that are never searched! Thanks to all my friends, who have been there for me even when I have been the most annoying, most selfish and most thankless creature. I'm a lot to handle (i'm not proud of it) and it takes patience (and tolerance) to bear with me. I just want you guys to know that I am here for you also! Whenever you need me, I always be there! Cos at the end of the day, love and friendship is what makes the world go round! And friends we shall be forever!

My bag of blessings

Arguments are never pleasant but they make you think. Today I had an argument about love and acceptance. I came to realize a few things: a. Count your blessings! b. Regardless of how they think and how they behave, a loved one is always special. c. People are what they are because of how they think. So all you can do is show them how you feel; whether they can change or not depends only on how what you say affects how they think.

There are people in this world who feel unloved and worthless, despite the fact that there are so many people who love them. The point is that they don't get the love/admiration/respect from the person or people they aim to please, so they stay blind to the rest, who love them unconditionally. Thats the first blessing one should count: To love and be loved unconditionally, regardless of the flaws, regardless of the mistakes made because unconditional love takes immense strength and even more courage. So, to those people who think "nobody loves me" or "nobody acknowledges/cares/respects me", take another look around and see the faces of people in your life who will give up their life for you. It could be parents who untiringly and patiently strive for the well being of their child, putting up with temper tantrums, mood swings and all the crap that the kid throws at their face. It could be a sibling who stands back and watches their brother or sister each day, sincerely hoping for their well being without interfering so that they can make a life of their own. It could be that girlfriend who spends her time thinking of ways to surprise her boyfriend or ways to comfort him when he's sad... or vice versa. It could be that friend who always has your back, even if he or she is sitting half way across the world. The point is, love is a complex emotion with a lot of pressure attached to it. Therefore, to receive the pure love of another human is something every person needs to be thankful for.

To talk about love is to talk about happiness, sorrow, joy and anger because love is nothing but a stew of unbalanced, over emphasized emotions. Anger is a major and powerful part of love because anger alone has the power to break everything that love builds up over time. But, anger is also short lived and hence needs to be forgiven. People say a lot of things in anger. Most of it they dont mean, but most of it they subconsciously feel deep down. Whether its jealousy, insecurity, arrogance or whatever that makes someone feel what they feel, it always comes out as anger. And it almost always comes out on people they never want to intentionally hurt. This is always followed by regret. So, here's where forgiveness comes into the picture. If anger is married to love, then forgiveness is married to anger. Words said in fury deserve forgiveness. Spite, however, is a different story (about which I dont want to talk about now). Anyway, the capacity to forgive is a sign of capacity to love and hence is a blessing. Forgiveness, both given and received is a blessing one should count. Anger is stupid and unintentional but forgiveness is beautiful and kind and it soothes that anger. On this note, I want to say sorry to anyone I have hurt by my anger and also forgive those who have hurt me because I want to count my blessings today. I am so lucky to be surrounded by so much love, enough to experience anger!

Life is a like a pack of Bertie Botts all flavor beans. Try as you may to plan out everything, you may still get an earwax flavored bean. The only thing you can do is hope the next one is strawberry cheesecake. Count your blessings! Each and everyday! Every time you feel like quitting, every time you hate your life, every time you feel alone and unloved, every time you feel like everything is going against you or you have nothing to look forward to, every time you feel unrewarded or taken for granted, try to count your blessings and look around at the things you have- health, family, love, friends, life, art, music... Its hard to stay positive, especially when the odds are against you, but just because the lights go out doesn't mean that things stop existing. Love yourself and love the people who love you and draw strength out of that love. Every time you feel like your going to lose or fall down, open your bag of blessing and grab the first thing there: Could be a phone call to your mom or a photo of your first love. Just remember that there is always something in that bag of blessings for everyone! You just got to reach for it and keep moving!

the meaning of loss.

I'm bad with loss. Maybe because I haven't experienced that crushing sense of hopelessness firsthand yet, but yes, I am bad with loss.
When a fellow human being departs, you can feel that sadness. Whether you have met that person before or just heard of them, it still pinches the soul. But when that person is a loved one, then the grief is unbearable. I can only try to imagine what this would feel like.
Loss comes with a lot of questions: Why them, Why now, How can He let this happen? And most often the grievers are left with no answers, just memories.
I wish bad things wouldn't happen to good people. And I wish everyone would find the answers they are looking for. If nothing then I hope they at least find the solace to believe in God and in hope. And I hope that God gives them the strength they need. No amount of inspirational videos or songs, no amount books and quotes may actually quell the grief in the heart of one who has lost. Loss is something you just have to feel to understand and you have to go through to triumph over.
My condolences to those who have lost a loved one. That person can never be replaced but will always live on in your heart.
I cant say anything more without sounding fake. Maybe silence is the solace. For those who need to cry, they should cry and for those who just need to get away from it all, they should. After all, what can one do?
To the ones who are gone, you will be loved forever and for always. Please bless and guide all those who love and give you a home in their hearts. You will never be forgotten.

manipal means.... part2

So, a friend and I just had a very long debate about which is better among Manipal and NITK! I heard the same things I have been hearing for the past three years- MIT is an average school, MIT is a rich kids playground, MIT is a heathen paradise (allow me to exaggerate a little). The worst part is I agree to all of this. But the best part is.... so what? Yes, we can't "hold a candle" to NITK in terms of academics but its not like we're doing badly. Most kids in India end up in Infosys, regardless of where they come from anyway. And we do have our fair share, wait I mean, A LOT of people doing great in the CAT, going to america, getting placed in Microsoft and so many things. Its true we cannot compete with NITK in terms of quality of academics, quality of faculty (this is highly questionable though) and overall brand value, but again this is just a matter of perspective. Almost every MIT graduate I know is doing pretty well. There is this one guy I know, who was a part of the super prestigious Formula Manipal and is now at Delft. Besides, with a sessional test each month, followed by practical exams and then end sems, we do have an idea of what it feels like to study and struggle while studying.
The other thing about Manipal being a rich kid's playground: Most of the people I know are very, very rich but they are also the most down-to-earth people I have met. I don't think we do anything people from other less known colleges DONT do. I think Manipal has got this hype about it, that we are ALL rich and spoiled. Well, I guess appearances can be deceptive. I know so many people who are damn rich but act so normal, unlike rich kids in other colleges who love to rub it in the noses of their friends. Yes, Manipal has spoiled kids... but that doesn't make it any different from the thousands of other colleges out there. Yes, we party a lot. who doesn't? I have heard stories of people in the oh-so cool NIT's, smoking up in the corridors and puking off the roofs. Its all just a matter of perspective.
And then comes the part about the privileged life: AC class rooms, glass buildings, AC hostels etc. I myself complain about how expensive Manipal has become (money grubbing, blood sucking administration we have) but I'd rather live in the 13th block than in an NIT hostel. No offence to any of my friends, but I have been there and seen it. Call me rotten, but I could not stay in a tiny three seater room with just one set of common bathrooms for each floor!
I sound like a brat, I'm sorry about that. But these debates make me that way. Anyway, I guess one just becomes a part of the atmosphere they live in. I dont claim to love MIT with the bottom of my heart, but there are things the place has given me for which I am grateful. I found people I am sure I wouldn't find anywhere else. The good times; crazy times with my girlfriends in the hostels, the outings, the nights at DEE TEE, the madness of Shambhavi, the rare parties at Blues, the lazing around at kc; these are somethings I will never forget and will definitely cherish all my life. So is it NIT or MIT? I guess, the answer is- to each his own. :)

manipal means... part 1

Manipal means a lot of things to a lot of people. Many people I know love the place because of the freedom they get there. Other people love the place because its a whole new world, where they have a new identity... a chance to be what they can be... a chance to be what they want to be. To me, however, Manipal is a place where I have actually understood what its like to have people, to be around people and with people... all the time.  I'm not saying I did not have friends at school. I wasn't that unpopular and some of the friends I made, will last me a life time (fingers crossed). But its still not the same as college is, where your family becomes a bystander, a spectator and your friends become your family.

I dont want to be sappy at the moment. I have next year to do that. right now. Sitting pretty in Kuwait, far away from the dirty, sweaty, energy sapping hellhole that is Manipal, I want remember all the good times I had. Try as much as I may to remain positive, I fear these days are fast running away. I just want to look back and reminisce. The first year was all about exploration- from making new friends, loads of new friends, to going on trips to waterfalls and hiking trails and dancing around tree trunks like fools, to finding boyfriends and breaking up with them, to falling in love with one's best friends and realizing how foolish that was, to loving girls to the point of being called lesbian and then saying bye to them as they drifted away, to getting one's first taste of the "bad habits", one first drink of whiskey, first shot of vodka, first time puking into a bucket, first time smoking, first time smoking up, first time a nerd fails a subject... The first year was all about the lose of innocence or rather a celebration of the innocence that followed us from high school and its subsequent swan song. The first year was an exploration, a challenge of one's ideals and one's self.

Parents cry, parents crib that their kids change when they go to college. I know a lot of people who have changed a lot, essentially lost the spark in them, their basic existence, in the sea of work, stress, debauchery. But most people have just become aware about the existence of a world outside of home and awake to the person they are going to be. I call that positive change. When you think about it, its more of a blossoming, like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly. Its who they were all along; its just that they need a channel to come out, to become what they were going to be eventually. Obviously there are exceptions: those people who either come in with a very strong sense of identity, those rare, questionably admirable individuals who always knew exactly what they wanted; or you have the other category, those who never truly find what or who they are looking for! For the majority, college is a journey of self discovery. Manipal makes this journey both easy and difficult. How, i'l tell you in the next part!